How Do I Love Thee

I heard a woman the other day talk about her experiences in China.  This woman (we’ll call her Ann so I don’t have to keep referring to her as this woman) and her husband spent a year teaching English in China.  They had just returned home and were invited to share their experiences.

I thought they were an admirable couple.  I was impressed with what they shared and with their dedication.  However, there was one small part of the story that got under my skin, actually it irritated the heck out of me.

She told us that in addition to teaching English to their students, she felt that they also taught another lesson – how to love.  She went on to say that her students couldn’t stop marveling at how her and her husband always held hands wherever they went.  She said her students were impressed with the way they publicly showed their affection for one another.   So what is so objectionable about that?

I was bothered at the way she seemed to equate and interpret the lack of these behaviors in her Chinese students.  She made it sound as if the absence of these outward signs meant that the Chinese (or at least the ones she interacted with) do not love as strongly, or even love as we do.  In her mind, the fact that her students didn’t display their affection for one another publicly showed that they were somehow- less.  Less loving, less worthy, less modern?  I don’t know, it just came across as less.  Perhaps her students “marveled” because they couldn’t believe that someone could behave so contrary to the acceptable customs and social mores of their host country.   Just a thought.  Maybe her students even excused it the same way we in Samoa excuse a behavior that isn’t normally acceptable, that is, shrug it off and say, “they’re not Samoans, they don’t know any better.”

I wanted to tell Ann that not all cultures approve of public display of affection.  I wanted to but didn’t.  Debated if I should say something to her then decided to let it go just in case I’m misinterpreting her intended message.    

I’m asked (directly and indirectly) from time to time about romantic love in Samoa.  In Samoa, couples don’t hold hands in public, at least, traditionally, we don’t.  Who knows, maybe things are slowly changing.  Actually, you will see grown women or grown men holding hands from time to time, but don’t be shocked.  It’s not what you think, they’re just buddies.  That’s just how we roll, lol.

As far as lovers smooching in public in Samoa, be warned, don’t ever do it.  Making out in public is an absolute no-no, and would be considered insulting to those around you and the epitome of rudeness on your part. 

So does this mean that Samoans don’t love as passionately as someone else growing up here in America.  Of course not!  That is so obviously ludricous I can’t even imagine that anyone would think that.   Samoan culture may frown on outward displays of affection but we do love just as strongly as the couple that flaunts their affection in public.  

So when it comes to the question of how do I love thee, or perhaps more to the point of this post, how do I show how much I love thee?  The answer is – that depends.   It depends on who you are, where you are, and what cultural and social mores are acceptable in any given situation.  What may be perfectly normal for you may be taboo for someone else.